I seemed to everyone to be doing fine.  My masquerade was working, everyone except me thought I was great.  I had a lot of “friends” or so I thought.  One night I went out with a group of girls from my school and met a boy from a nearby high school, we exchanged numbers and he asked me out on a date.  He was a little older and had a car, I don’t really remember his last name and I can’t remember the date but the next Monday at school these same girls accused me of doing some sexual things with the guy.  It was very strange because I didn’t remember doing anything, I told them I didn’t but they wanted me to know it was ok, they were cool with it and would still be my friend.  What the HELL did that matter, I was furious! I wasn’t even sure if I did do it and didn’t remember or if someone, probably him, made it up.  I never spoke to him again and my “friendship” with those girls suffered.  I didn’t stop hanging out with them or stop talking to them but I didn’t make it a point to try to be friends with them.  I still had L & G, they were my best friends and the others were just part of our crowd.

On Christmas break I was on the verge.  I was very depressed and consumed by hate.  My brother, D, and his family came over for the holidays.  It felt like a slap in the face, I sort of thought I would never have to see him again because he had moved out-of-state for a while.  I through one of my notorious tantrums and fought with my brother and his wife.  My mom got involved and everyone was against me, I spontaneously blurted out that he had sexually abused me when I was younger to all three of them.  Of course, he denied it, my mother and his wife both shouted at me that I was sick and crazy, that I was a LIER!  I couldn’t believe that I had finally said something and nobody was on my side.  I punched my brother’s wife and pushed my mom and started kicking at everyone.  I completely lost it and I eventually closed my door and laid down from exhaustion.

After they left I snuck into my mothers bathroom and found a prescription in her cabinet.  I didn’t know what it was but I didn’t care, I took them all (about 20 or so).  After a little bit, I started feeling really strange but not like I was expecting.  I expected to fall asleep and never wake up.  I went to get some water and to try to take something else but my brother K was home.  K was a drug addict and alcoholic so he immediately recognized my state.  I think at that point I passed out because then I remember the ambulance and being slapped in the face, I don’t know who slapped me but I passed out again and woke up in the hospital, they made me drink some black liquid and I threw up then they stuck a tube down my throat sucked out the rest.

I stayed at the hospital and the next morning was packed up and shipped over to the adolescent psych ward to spend another day and night in a glass room because I was screaming and kicking.  I stayed in that room until I calmed down, about 24 hours.  I had to spend 30 days in this facility or longer if I didn’t try to get better.  They asked me why I did it but what did anyone care.  I was a lying, sick, crazy teenager and it didn’t matter what I said.  I told them I was depressed that my dad was dead, it wasn’t a lie, it just wasn’t the whole truth.   I also told them that my mom and step dad had my father killed because maybe they would get in trouble and I could get back at them.

I didn’t really cooperate with the program, I just pretended that it was all just a fluke and I was getting better there.  I met some other “crazy” kids there and it sort of made it like a really fucked up summer camp situation.  The entire thing  was total bullshit and I totally snowed them into thinking I was fine.  I guess I sort of was because I didn’t want to kill myself anymore but I also decided to pretend that none of it ever happened and just to play along with the perfect family front.

I went back to school and I think everyone sort of knew that I tried to off myself so everyone was really nice to me for a while.  Eventually I “got over it” and put on my mask again.  At the end of the year one of the senior girls on the dance team told me I should try out for next years squad because I was a good dancer, she was the captain and thought I would be a shoe in.  Ok, I was still going to dance 3 times a week but why not.  The try-outs were the following week and I killed it, the older girls were impressed and excited to add me to the team.  I thought it was cool and was very excited for it to start-up.



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