Who’s leaving now?

closed_doors_by_miraccoon-d5rr908My marriage was a shambles and I was more depressed than I had been in a long time,   I was hiding the terrible secret and shame of sexual abuse from my child hood, mourning the deaths of my father and brother and feeling sorry for myself because I was in a loveless, abusive marriage.  I was out of control with my anger and depression, I was having episodes more and more frequently and I felt trapped.  I had so many outbursts and continued to drive people out of my life

Just when I thought it could not get any worse, I received a call that my step brother had been found dead.  I couldn’t believe it, the only “good” brother I ever had.  I felt like a piece of my soul had been ripped from me, he was such a good man, a good brother, son and father.  We soon came to find out that he was murdered by his wife and her boyfriend for the insurance money. He was beaten to death with a baseball bat while his 2 small children slept in the next room.  I was so furious and ached not only for myself but for his kids and my step-dad.  Adding insult to injury, their grandmother (my step fathers ex) took them and refused to let them visit us.  She had always been this way and in fact the other kids from my step dads first marriage had never been allowed to see us and because they never opened their mind to anything but a crazy persons musings, didn’t want to visit.  I didn’t much care about them because they should have been old enough to know better or were a little crazy from living with her. Didn’t know and didn’t care.  I did care about my niece and nephew that I had grown to love as my own flesh and blood.  It was like I had lost 3 people at the same time.

This most recent death had put me over the edge, I finally decided I’d had enough and left my husband.  I moved in with my parents with the 3 kids.  It got very ugly, for a man who never seemed to put much time or energy into being a father, he decided to make it miserable for me and did everything he could to take them from me.  I was in and out of court every time I dropped my guard.  He really talked bad about me to them so I started doing it too and the boys would say some pretty mean stuff because it’s what they heard from him.  It wasn’t long before the kids started to use the separation to their advantage and I was scared to yell or punish them in any way for fear that they would leave me or be taken away.  I lived by walking around on eggshells.

It only got worse when I started dating again.  I actually ran into an old high school boyfriend and he asked me out on a date.  I went on the date and when he brought me home I quickly found out that my ex had been waiting to see who I was with and came at us in the driveway. I apologized and told my date to leave but that was a mistake, my ex was yelling at me and pushing me,  he took my keys and threw them in the yard then grabbed my purse and pulled it with me into his car.  He took off, driving crazy and fast so I tried to get my purse and get out but he refused to stop, he kept yelling at me and driving very fast.  He was out of his mind and I was terrified, I could tell he was very drunk and I just knew we were going to get in an accident and die.  At the stoplight I tried to get out but he gunned the engine and I couldn’t, from that moment he didn’t stop at any lights or signs and sped through the curves so I couldn’t get out.  I started hitting him in the arm, begging him to stop and let me out then he swung back and punched me in the nose so hard that it shattered and was flattened to my face, there was blood everywhere and it wouldn’t stop.  I was having trouble breathing through the blood and he just kept driving crazy, not stopping or slowing at any signals.

After some time he finally took me to his parents house and locked me in the bathroom so he could get his mother.  She took me to the ER and begged me not to say what really happened.  I didn’t tell them what he did, it didn’t matter because you could tell I had been punched.  There was a mark from his ring right in the middle of my nose.  She took me home after and left me outside my parents house.  I couldn’t find my keys so had to bang on the door for a while before they finally woke and let me in.  The cops were called right away and told the truth.  He was arrested and ended up pleading it down to a misdemeanor.  To this day he denies what really happened.  My own kids don’t believe my truth.  I wasn’t a very good wife or mother so why should anyone believe me.

Believe it not, that guy I was on the date with called me and said he still wanted to see me.  In retrospect I guess that should have been a sign.  He was a decent guy, he never hit me and was really good with the kids.  We dated for a while but I still don’t understand why he was with me.  He never loved me, I was completed infatuated with him and was very possessive.  I’m sure I drove him away with my crazy, we broke up and got together several times over 3 years and did get pregnant once but ended up losing the baby at 9 weeks.  We had plans to get married, put a deposit on the site and started building a house but he was a wanderer and was always looking for someone better.

In between our breakups and makeups I saw a couple of other guys.  One guy I was particularly interested in was my biggest regret during that time.  I dated him on one of the breaks and he treated me like an absolute princess, wined and dined me and put me on a pedestal.  I wanted to give him my heart but was worried about doing that and so when my ex boyfriend wanted to get back together again I dumped him.  It was a mistake, the boyfriend couldn’t stand the thought of me seeing someone else while we were apart even though it never bothered him to see whoever he wanted when we were together.  It ended without any words, he just showed up one day to pick up his things with his new girlfriends vehicle. It probably the best thing for us both but I went crazy.  I felt so betrayed, he didn’t even break up with me but instead just started seeing someone else openly.  I still care about him but I don’t love him and don’t think I ever did, he was very immature at the time and I just had too much baggage.  I don’t blame him for any of the bad stuff and from what I understand he is very upstanding and good guy today.

I ended up with the house, I wasn’t going to go through with because I knew there was no way I could get a loan or pay for it without help.  My mother insisted that I needed the house so she bought it for me, cash.  I guess it was good for the kids but it put me back under her thumb and she drove me insane.  I couldn’t afford the house, why did she do it?? I was happy to have a nice new home for me and my boys but it was very stressful to try to keep it all together.  Some days I had to decide between food and toilet paper, I was making decent money but was not getting any child support and I was scraping by.  Most weeks I would have to write a check on Wednesday for groceries and hope the check didn’t clear until payday on Friday.  I made too much to get assistance from the state but not enough for the four of us to live normally.  I never wanted my kids to be without so I did.  My parents helped sometimes but I hated asking for help and it would mean I’d always have to answer to them.

I stayed mad for a long time about the broken marriage, the broken relationship and about losing a guy that I truly could have loved if I had given it a chance.  I dated several guys after that but nobody I really cared about.  I started to focus on work and the boys more and I was happy being single.  I was doing things with my friends and doing ok but started hating my job.  I was getting burnt out, I felt like I worked really hard but there was nowhere to go.  The money started getting better and it seemed like everything was going to be ok.  Well, I still was having outbursts and was very depressed but outwardly I seemed to be ok.

I wasn’t looking but I met a new guy, an army guy.  We started dating and soon after I ended up paying all his bills and moving him into my house.  Well, shortly there after he lost his job and gave up.  He sat around the house in his underwear getting fatter and fatter.  I was fed up and told him he better do something, I wasn’t going to support him, I had kids to take care of!!  Eventually he decided to go to school and ok that was fine but I was still basically supporting him.  What the hell is wrong with someone that they want to live off of a single struggling mom?  I was dealing with my inner demons and hating the world, I still hated my job so I decided to get a new one.  It was pretty easy but I had to take a pay cut.  I had to do it, I was so unhappy at my current job.  My boyfriend was going to school and I was making less money so the tension got worse and worse between us and I was so unhappy with him.  I got pregnant again but again lost the baby early on and it was probably for the best because I finally just kicked him out one day and it felt good.  I got by and the company I was with had a future that I could actually see for myself.

Things got better financially, I was happy with my new job and was moving up the ladder.  The kids were getting older and got involved in stuff at school and with their friends.  I decided I was done dating anyone.  I went out from time to time but was happy being single.  I only worried about my ex husband taking the kids away which he still threatened to do on a regular basis.  My ex still wasn’t paying any child support but I was making good money so he saw that as an opportunity.  He didn’t want the kids so he could be a father, he wanted to hurt me and get paid to do it.

I was getting along better with my parents and my abusive brother had moved far out-of-state again.  Although I seemed to be happy, it was still just a mask I was wearing.  A day didn’t go by that I didn’t think about the abuse.  I was still very angry and depressed but I was hiding it well and getting by.  I was learning that everyone leave.  Whether they died, left me or I left them…didn’t matter everyone leaves.


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