Open Letter Series: Dear Bestie

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The first time we met it felt like two split souls were finally reunited.  I was instantly drawn to you and immediately comfortable in your company.  I think many people were drawn to your beauty without really knowing you.  Once people got to know you it became obvious to anyone that you are not just beautiful on the outside but inside as well.

When I met you I was a different person, I was wearing a mask.  I wanted to hide my fear and shame.

You liked that girl but you allowed me to take off the mask when it was just us.

We became inseparable, two opposite halves making a whole.  Completely different but exactly the same.  We loved the same music, movies and scary books (Bwahahaha) :-).  You became my beautiful sister with the flawless hair and makeup while I had the closet full of the latest trends.  You were the good girl playing by the rules while I went to parties and stayed out late.  We always did our thing, eating some good food and going to the dance club.

We invented our own language and some great food combos…mashed potatoes and popcorn with some sweet tea!  We wrote some amazing notes at school that I still have.  You were the best listener a friend could ask for.

We had the most amazing connection and when we told each other about our pasts it became clear that we were meant to find each other.  We had so much to talk about, so much to carry for each other and so much love for each other.

I have cherished every moment of our almost 30 years together.  I often think that if one small thing had been different in my life, I could have missed you but it was meant to be.  There were so many times I felt like I couldn’t go on but you were there pushing me to survive.  I was always perceived to be the strong one and you so delicate but you fought for me when I couldn’t.  I wonder if that girl ever figured out “who you are” ha!

Never once in 30 years have we not been able to be ourselves with each other and be honest about our feelings, our pain or our few disagreements.

Our lives were linked before we ever met, when you hurt I hurt and vice versa.  I love our long conversations over lunch or dinner and how we always know what to say to make it better.

I still think you are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met, the most caring and thoughtful girl with a contagious personality and a wicked talent for crafts!

We will never lose each other, no matter what happens in our lives.  We will be the colorful crazy old ladies in the home laughing it up.  The old birds in there will be so jealous of us.  Our bond will last well beyond our time on earth.

I hope we’re reincarnated as witches or mermaids next time!

I love you with my whole heart.

Love,
Tracy

P.S. I’m in a Buffalo Stance at this very moment!

Countless Ignorance

53a7257e723e31551dc9ba7dd709c5a4Everyday countless people around the world are oblivious to the tragedy and suffering many of us face.  There are those that have never lost anyone close, lived with an abusive or alcoholic person, lived in fear of sexual abuse, fought in a war, faced a life threatening obstacle, fought addiction, lived with a debilitating disease or disability, etc.  They don’t see us because they are too busy complaining about their ordinary lives.

Those countless faces in the crowd that you don’t see are suffering in ways you could never imagine.  We think a cat puking on our favorite pair of shoes, being late to work and shattering the screen on our phone is worst thing life could hand to a single person in one day.  We think that we can be offended by who people love, who people vote for, which bathroom someone uses, whose face is on a dollar bill and what someone wears to a costume party are real problems.  There are COUNTLESS issues that are way more important but were all so self-centered that if it has not affected our lives adversely then we don’t fight for it. When is the last time you stood up for a child that was being abused or spoke up about substance abuse?  When was the last time you stood up to a bully for someone that couldn’t?  When was the last time you gave your time or money to help a cause that never touched your life personally?  We are all guilty of ignoring the terrible realities that some face and living in our own little world.  William-Shakespeare-ignorance-Quotes

While most of us are flooding social media with meme’s about presidential candidates there are children in the world being raped, there are young girls being sexually mutilated at 13 so they don’t cheat on their 43 year old husband and countless lives being trafficked.  The countless meme’s I see about gender neutral bathrooms and how it offends everyone while men are giving their lives up to fight for the freedom to be whatever religion, gender, sexual preference and minority they are.  While you fight and get angry about a lion being killed for sport, why don’t you try getting angry at the people that are killing our children with drugs and bullying them to the point of suicide.  While you are posting countless meme’s about the differences between men and women there are billions of women still being treated like second class citizens, women doing the same jobs as men but making 70% of what men are paid, women are still slaves and property in certain parts of the world and it’s been less than 100 years since women were able to vote in the US.  The list goes on, get angry about that.

ignore_factsWho cares what Princess Kate wore to the last garden party?  Who cares if that model photo-shopped her ass in that picture?  Who cares what color the fucking internet dress is?  Who cares what celebrity is fighting with another?  Who cares which reality star is posting naked tweets?  It’s hard not to get caught up in all these things, it’s hard to refrain from sharing the easy stuff.  It’s time we take notice of the terrible things happening to the people in this world and fight for the those suffering from disease, those fighting for justice, those trying to fight the effects of long-term abuse, parents of lost children, the countless rape victims that still haven’t seen justice, the men, women and children living in slavery, the children that are starving to death, the victims of mutilation and torture, the millions of women living in fear for their lives for speaking out, the countless people killed or persecuted for their religious beliefs, the men and women being beaten in the streets because they are “different” and the countless people with a disease just fighting to survive.

People matter.

Stand up for what matters!

Stand up for the world,  not just your own back yard and not just your “own kind.”  Stand up for freedom and equality everywhere. Stand up for those that can’t stand up for themselves.

©Tracy’s Truth Blog, 2016

Grain

7569775878_57930edb40_z.jpgTrapped in my own thoughts.

Spiraling out of control.

Each thought like a grain of sand in an hour-glass; sucking you down the vortex until you fall to the other side.

Sitting atop the sand on the other side, everything is ok.

One thought flips the hour-glass.

Falling, clawing at invisible walls never finding your grip.

Suffocating with each grain as it falls over you; surrounding you.

Closing in, the sand traps you once again.  Smothered in your own thoughts.

Falling through the vortex grain by grain.

Then it all starts over again.

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Liebster Award

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Thank you GrowthSpurt  for the nomination.

RANDOM FACTS:

1.  I LOVE CUPCAKES!
2. If I could be anything I would be a mermaid.
3. Fashion is my drug of choice.
4. I think I was on the Titanic in a past life.
5. I hate to cook but I love to BBQ.
6. I love kayaking.
7. I would give up everything to travel the world.
8. I love change.
9. I miss having parents and grandparents.
10. I collect antique cameras.
11. I still have my first pair and last pair of ballet shoes.

HER QUESTIONS:

1. Which country would you most like to visit?  FRANCE
2. Can you swim?  VERY WELL
3. How many languages do you speak?  1.5 (English, some Spanish, some French)
4. Comedy or action movie?  COMEDY but I actually prefer suspense or drama.
5. Ryan Gosling or Idris Elba?  Ryan Gosling
6. Favorite show?  Lost Girl
7. If you were stranded on an island, what 3 items would you bring, and why?  Is this a trick question?  Do I know I’m going to be stranded?  If so, why do I do it?  I’ll play…A machete, an extra large spool of heavy duty fishing line and tablets to make salt water safe for drinking.  I think the reasons are all obvious
8. Outdoorsy or couch potato?  Outdoorsy
9. Steve Carell or Will Ferrell?  Will Ferrell
10. If you could redo a past moment in your life, what would it be, and why?  I would stop my son from making the biggest mistake of his life.
11. Do you believe in ghosts? Why or why not?  I don’t know, the jury is still out.  I’ve never seen a ghost but I’m not sure I believe your spirit just ceases to exist when you die.  I kind of believe in reincarnation because sometimes I will feel like I’ve been somewhere before when I know that I haven’t.  Some things feel too familiar.

WHO DO I NOMINATE?

Hannah Baston

Gretchen Kelly

BeWildCreatures

Sacha Black

Without Measure

MY QUESTIONS:

1.  Do you believe in reincarnation?  If so, who, what, when?
2. If you could swap places with anyone in the world, who would it be?
3. What is you vice?
4. What is the one physical item you want more than anything in the world? (Don’t say a person or world peace or money)
5. Where is the one place in the world that you wish you lived?
6. What is your favorite book?
7. What is your hidden talent?
8. If you could talk with one person dead or alive for one hour, who would it be?
9. What would you talk about?
10. What is your favorite movie?
11. Favorite fictional character?

 

 

NEVER is a Bad Word

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I’m NEVER going to be OK.  Not completely.  I can laugh in the morning and by lunch I want to scream and yell.  I can be quiet and depressed when I wake up but by dinner I feel like having fun.  I don’t have many days of pure joy, most days I just want to sleep or do nothing.  I think too much and NO, I can’t just not think about it.  My whole life revolves around it.  Maybe you think, God why can’t she just move on or get over it already?  Maybe you are annoyed by my constant reminders and ranting. Everyday feels like a rollercoaster,  I wish I could just be normal.

I will never be completely positive, it’s not in my nature and no matter how hard I try I’m always poisoned by negativity.  I’m trying, I really am.  I tell myself on a daily basis, just push it from your mind or ignore these thoughts but the more I try the more I fail.  In this case the quote, if at first you don’t succeed…blah, blah, blah are just words.  Impossible.

The positive people will say, you can’t think like that because your thoughts will manifest into reality.  Those people never had a really terrible thing happen to them or they are simply lying to themselves.  I do it, I lie to myself and everyone else when I pretend that I’m OK.  Many people think I’m just SO FUN and I’m a blast to hang out with because they don’t see the other side.  That’s ok because most people don’t want to hang out with the other Tracy.  I’m not in the habit of letting many in on that other Tracy because they won’t like her and won’t want to be around her. I do actually have fun, that parts not a lie.  I love my friends and I  them laugh, that’s how I escape from my realities.  It’s still all there on the inside just fighting to surface but I have become an expert at holding it back.  I can love and I do love my husband, my family and my friends.  They all make me the happiest I’ve ever been but it’s never going to be a normal happy because something is always waiting to bring me down again.  Everyone has ups and downs but I’m not talking about your typical mood swings so don’t even try to compare it to that.

This writing is my outlet, this is where I can be the Tracy that nobody wants to be around.  I won’t come to your party and be this Tracy.  I don’t want sympathy, I just want to be understood.  It takes a lot out of me to constantly be on for people, it’s physically and emotionally exhausting.   I’m tired.  From time to time if I just want to be alone or just be a quiet bystander please just be understanding.

I’m never going to see my dad again.  I’m never going to forget what my brother did to me.  I’m never going to see my other brothers again.  I’m never going to have a mother I can go to for anything again.  I’m never going to sleep without medication.  I’m never going to laugh without feeling guilty.  I’m never going to feel totally secure in any relationship.  I’m never going to feel good in a crowd of people.  I’m never going to forget the pain son is going through. I’m never going to feel comfortable with my sexuality.  I’m never going to wake up from this nightmare.

I can NEVER stop being two people.

I can NEVER be normal.

Never.

Never.

Never is my reality.

 

 

What to do…

How can I help?  What can I do?

Many people that hear about sexual abuse will ignore or hide from the ugly truth.  It’s a terrible fact that survivors must live with when they come out with their story.  Family members will deny the story because it’s too embarrassing or painful that this happened in their family never realizing that it’s so much more painful that your family sort of turns their back on you.  Others will say they try to avoid drama and negativity but they are in fact promoting just that by keeping themselves in the dark or pretending everything is ok.

I realize that not everyone wants to get involved but the percentages of children in this country that are molested is staggering and chances are you or someone you know is being molested or are doing the molesting. It’s an epidemic in this country and it’s not something we can continue to ignore. Everyone needs to get involved and it’s difficult, I know but we have to make an effort.  You have to try to put yourself in the shoes of a survivor or the parent, sibling or spouse of a survivor in order to grasp the horror in some small way.  What if it was you?  What if it was your child, your brother, your sister, your parent, your cousin, your best friend or your spouse?  How angry would you be?  How would you react to hearing this news?  Would you move on quickly and just act like it didn’t happen or would you try to help or get involved?  It’s easy to say you wouldn’t ignore it but sadly that is what happens every day.  It’s frustrating to those trying to change this ugly world.

Many people think they need to walk on eggshells with you when you reveal abuse and avoid the subject all together. We can tell so it’s better, at least for me, to just mention it our ask general questions. Most survivors are very strong because we’ve had to be then and if we’re talking about it we probably need to. Some things to avoid are, asking for details, joking about it, telling us everything happens for a reason or it was God’s plan and worst of all, making excuses for our abuser.

It’s ok to be angry or confused, I definitely am. Please don’t tell me to forgive or forget. I don’t have to forgive to heal and I can never forget.

You can easily tell if a child is being abused so take off your blinders. It’s not normal for a child of six to be depressed, it’s not normal for children to avoid affection or be nervous and scared. It’s not normal for a child to be awkward and fearful of other children or teachers in school. Once a child is if school age they should not scream and panic when asked to do something normal. Of course, there are instances of childhood illnesses such as autism, asbergers, ADD, etc but you take the child to a doctor and find out instead of assuming they’re just bad.

Nightmares and sexuality are not necessarily symptoms but abused children suffer these and many other symptoms.

I hope by speaking out I can help just one victim or survivor. By giving us voice we can help those still living in silence. Speak out and make it more difficult for predators to victimize.

Open Letter Series: Dear Husband

Dear Husband,

I know that I tell you every day that I love you (like a hundred times a day…).  I tell you this so much not only because of course I do love you but I’m reminding myself that I love you.  wp-1461952286050.jpgYou see I have issues remembering the good stuff, I have so many bad memories that my brain is programmed to be sort of negative.  I have always felt that if I’m happy or if I get excited about something then I’ll just be let down when it doesn’t work out or something bad happens.  I don’t trust my fate or destiny or whatever.  I have always felt cursed and when something good happens I’m just waiting for the curse to destroy it.  I hope that makes sense.

I want you to know that I don’t think like normal people.  I’m hyper vigilante which means I always think something bad is lurking everywhere I go.  I think if I’m not doting on you or pleasing you that you will stop loving me.  I can’t speak normally and often just scream in my own head because I’m afraid of being attacked for how I feel or think.  I know none of this is normal and I never want you to think that I’m trying to hurt you when I don’t speak.  Some days I just have a bad feeling come over me and I can’t tell you why or I’m scared to talk about it or I don’t exactly know why or how to articulate my feelings.  I’m working on that.

I want you to know how much I truly appreciate your patience with me as I heal and just how much it means to me that you have stuck by me through some of the worst times in my recovery. You are strong so you probably don’t know what it’s like to feel empty, alone and afraid while surrounded by people.  Letting me lean on you has filled my heart, it has given me hope and it has made me stronger.  I no longer feel like I’m battling these things alone.  That in itself doesn’t make sense because as you know I try to get away when I’m having an anxiety attack.

I know you have struggled with how all this has made you feel but you have always done your best to protect me and stand up for my well-being.  You have given more than you know and I don’t feel like I will ever be strong enough to return the favor but I’m giving you all that I am and all that I have because I love you so deeply.

When I was a little girl I always dreamed of being rescued from the pain by a prince and maybe you don’t ride a horse or wear a crown but you are the prince.  You have treated my like a princess from the moment that I met you and you are an amazing role model for my children.  I appreciate the hard work you put in to keep our lives comfortable and our home safe and beautiful.  I also appreciate the hard work you have put in to our relationship.  When we went through bad times and I felt like it was over and there was no way you will stick around, you fought for me.  You fought to get me through the tough times and you gave me the strength to recognize how important I am to you and my kids.

You make me laugh and I love spending time with you whether it be kayaking, watching a movie, eating dinner or merely going to Sam’s together.  We have our things together and I love our everyday as well as the special times.  You get me better than anyone I have ever met and I love that I can say anything or do some stupid or funny things and we can just laugh about it.  I love that you spy on me while we are shopping so you can pick out my favorite things on holidays.  I love that you can come home to a table full of shopping bags and just say, “It’s OK, I get it.”  I love that when we go out in a crowd you throw your arms around me to protect me from strangers touching me.  I love when you come up behind me and just hug me for no reason.  I love that you understand my obsession with certain things and don’t push me to be something else.  I love that you will eat whatever I cook even though that is not my strength.  I love that you get it when I just need some girl time with my friends.  AND most of all I love that you understand my need to hoard toilet paper like the apocalypse is on the horizon.

You are my hero, my rock.  You have ALWAYS been there when I needed you most.  I could not ask for a better husband or friend.  I will continue to fight for the good and will love you till my death.

Forever My Love,

Tracy