depression1600x1200THE CURSE CONTINUES.

Last year started off really well.  I had a new job that was going great, went on a fantastic girls trip to the beach, my kids were doing well and it seemed like the curse was finally over.  It was the day before Mothers Day and I was at dinner with some friends before a fashion show.  We finished dinner and were having a glass of wine before we went to the show, my phone rang but I didn’t recognize the number so I ignored it.  A few minutes later my phone rang again, it was my ex-husband.  He said something very bad had happened, my middle son had been involved in an accident.  I immediately thought he was dead and broke down…but I was wrong. He said one of my son’s friends was injured and fighting for his life in the hospital and my son had been arrested.  I nearly passed out but my friends came to my side and sat me down, I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t breathe and everything seemed to be closing in around me, everything was turning black and I couldn’t think straight.  My phone rang again, it was my son’s commanding officer, he said there had been a terrible accident and retold the story with more details.

I called my husband to come get me but he couldn’t so my friends took me with them and I sat through the show in a state of shock, I couldn’t stop running through it over and over in my mind, I don’t remember anything about the show…I shouldn’t have been there anyway.  I wanted to be home or go to my son but of course I couldn’t.  My friends just kept telling me it was going to be ok but how could it?  My son’s friend was hurt and it was my son’s fault!  I was sick and really wanted to go home. Finally it was over and my friends drove me as far as they could but I would have to drive the rest of the way home.

I drove for a little bit and then it started, I began screaming and beating on the steering wheel.  I was begging everyone, anyone, no one to make this just a dream, just please let this boy live PLEASE!!!  I begged to be taken instead, please let me die and take this boy’s place. I started gunning my engine on the empty road by our house and closing my eyes hoping to crash into a cliff or go off  of a bridge.  I needed to pay for what was going to happen.  I turned around after passing the tall bridge and headed back toward home.   If he died I would take my life but he wasn’t dead so I needed to pray that he would live and my son would be ok.  My son is a good man, well-respected on base and with his superiors. How could this be happening to him, to us, to that boy and his family??  I got home and I was just a mess so I just laid down.  I don’t remember anything except crying all night and I think I eventually fell asleep.

The next day was Mother’s Day, I couldn’t talk to my son and I just kept reading and seeing the news stories about.  They all kept saying it was an accident but my son was still in jail and they weren’t letting him go.  My oldest son came over to spend the day with me and I thought it would help but nothing helped, NOTHING!

The boy died, my son was released and then immediately rearrested for murder. He is NOT a murderer, it was an ACCIDENT!

Every mother says that right?  It was actually true though.  I couldn’t talk to my son, I could only speak to his commanding officer. He kept telling me it was an accident and everything is going to be ok and we just need to get him a lawyer.  I was at the end and could not handle any more, I had been through too much.  I’m CURSED and everyone around me is in danger.  I felt like I had nothing and if I could just go to sleep and not wake up the pain would be over and so would the curse.  I know it sounds crazy but imagine yourself in my shoes, I had been molested by my own brother for 6 years, my father died, my other brother killed himself, my step brother was murdered, my niece had died of a brain tumor at 4 years old and now my son had killed his friend.

That night without thinking for more than a minute I just took a ton of medicine in the hopes that I would go to sleep forever.  I was about to lay down to sleep when my dog came into snuggle up to me, I immediately thought of my boys and my husband.  I thought that I was abandoning them and would I want them to hurt like I do. My son was on suicide watch in jail because he was so distraught, would he do it if I did?  I didn’t know what to do, if I tell someone I may be committed but if I don’t I may die.    I told my husband right away of what I had done.  He called an EMT friend who told him to take me to the hospital but we couldn’t do that so he told him what he could try.  My husband immediately told me to force myself to vomit then he kept me up all night pushing water and coffee through me and making me urinate as much as possible.  He stayed up with me the whole time, I couldn’t go to the hospital knowing I might be committed and/or lose my job.  I suffered through the night and eventually was able to go to sleep knowing it had been flushed from my system.  I felt so much love from my husband that night that I knew it was right to have told him.  He saved my life.

I still wanted to die but I didn’t act on it, I had to be a mom and a wife.  I had to be strong and get through this like everything else.  I’m not sure how but I got through the next few months by trying to stay as busy as possible.

I thought about that boy and his mother everyday, the guilt was overwhelming but I just kept pushing it down to be there for my son.  My son had a lot of support from family, friends as well as co-workers and officers from the military base.  His charges were amended after some time and he plead guilty to involuntary manslaughter.  I didn’t know how he would ever recover from this mistake, he couldn’t see past it and he wanted to be punished.  The guilt was too much for him and he told the judge he should go to prison and accepts whatever punishment he deemed fair.  I didn’t know he was going to say that and I couldn’t handle it.  When the judge sentenced him and my son walked away from me I thought my heart would explode inside my chest.  My head felt like it was being squeezed and my heart was beating out of my chest, the pain was so intense that I had to get out of there.  I went as fast as I could and threw up immediately upon exiting the building.   I dropped to my knees and cried harder than I ever had, I couldn’t breathe.  I felt like it was all my fault, I was an absent mother and wasn’t good enough.  I felt like God hated me and had cursed me.  My other two boys picked me up off of the ground and got me to the car.

The hearing was just two weeks before Christmas and I didn’t want to celebrate.  My son couldn’t be with us and my parents thought it more important to spend this time visiting the pedophile instead of being home when we needed them most.  They were there for a wedding but for some reason they couldn’t  just go for the wedding, they had to be there for months.  They hurt me more than they ever had before.  When they came home sometime in January I was still reeling from the heartache and I had just had an episode at Ikea where my husband nearly walked out on me.  I called my mother and told her that she had made her choice, I couldn’t be in her life and she could not be in mine.   I told her that it’s not fair that she protects him and favors him when I’m the one that got hurt.  I just can’t ignore it anymore and I’m going to tell the world because it’s wrong that I continue to be punished and sabotaging my life to keep their secret.  I told her that I love her but that I can’t be around her anymore.  She didn’t even try to persuade me to reconsider, she just accepted and we hung up.  I didn’t hear from her again.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day, 1 year after my son’s accident.  I went to visit him the day before, I told him I can’t live a normal life.  I feel guilty any time that I’m happy or having any kind of fun because I can’t stop thinking about his friend and his friends family.  He told me he feels the same way, he tries not to think about it because he see’s it and it torments him.  I don’t know how to help him and I don’t know how to get past this.  Maybe I never will, maybe this is my punishment.



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