Open Letter Series: Dear Mom

 

letter-mail-envelope.jpgMom,

I know you think I hate you but I’ll say what you always said to me, “I love you, I just don’t like you.”  I wrote to you restating the facts of my sexual abuse by your son to which I received no response until several months later.  The response I received was in the form of a Mother’s Day card with a note enclosed telling me that I hate you, that my father wasn’t there for me either and that you didn’t know about the molestation.  You said you loved me and you are happy to have my children in your life.  I would like you to know that I did not feel any love when reading this note.  I felt again that you were playing the victim and still not acknowledging how I was wronged.

I told you when I was 15 years old that my brother had molested me for many years but you denied me and called me a liar.  My father was dead at the time so no, I don’t lay any blame on him.  I blame you for kicking the truth under the rug and denying me your help and support.  It took me 9 years to tell someone and when I did my worst fears were realized.  I got nothing from you except anger towards me.  You did not get angry at him for molesting me and I attempted suicide because I was so alone and depressed.  You never supported me in my struggle to overcome this and you continuously pushed him into my life.  I felt I had to keep this secret for you and for him for many years because if you didn’t believe me or support me than why would anyone else.

When I approached you about this as an adult you offered me nothing, just played the victim.  You wanted me to tell you how to fix it.  It can’t be fixed but I asked you to ask him yourself and to check on his children to make sure nothing had happened to them.  You later told me you had done that and that he did not deny it nor did he confess to it.  You told me you checked on his kids and everything was fine.  I believe you lied, I believe you never said anything to anyone.  I know for sure that you did not check on the kids because I asked.

When I wrote you that letter restating the facts of my abuse I did so to give you some glimpse into my personal hell.  I wanted you to know all the gory details because I was angry that you pushed it under the rug and left me to deal with it on my own.  I was angry that you abandoned me and my son when we needed you most during his hearing to be with him and his family.  I was angry when I found out that you invited my niece’s children to stay at his house knowing what a monster he is.  I’m angry that you talk about him as if he is some kind of golden child.  I’m angry that you keep trying to hide this fact about him and I’m really angry that you still protect him.

You keep asking me what I want so I’ll tell you.  I want you to acknowledge the truth and support me while I heal.  I want you to get angry at him and tell him why you are angry.  I want you to stop trying to force him into my life and stop talking about him to me or in front of me.  I want you to stop telling friends and family that I don’t get along with my brother as if I’m the problem.  I want you to tell people that he is not welcome to events where I am present or where there are children present.  I want you to tell people why I can’t be around him.  I want you to stop making me out to be this mean and hateful daughter that just does this to torment you.

It’s not fair that I have the carry this burden.  I can never forget what he did to me, he not only put me through excruciating physical pain, he damaged my soul, he stole my innocence and he robbed me of my childhood.  I have been afraid of the dark for as far back as I can remember, I chewed my nails until they bled up until 3 months ago, I have tried and thought about suicide more times than I care to reveal, I have nightmares and flashbacks triggered by dates, sounds, smells, places, people, etc.  I am hyper vigilante and jumpy, some like to call me an alarmist.  I get nervous in basements, close and dark spaces, I don’t like to be touched by most people and I get extremely anxious in crowds.  I have struggled with mental illness all of my life because of this and have to be on medication just to sleep or go to certain places.  I not only have emotional scars but I also have physical scars and abnormalities from the abuse that I now have to deal with as an adult.

I realize this is difficult for you to accept because he is your son but I want you to try to put yourself in my place.  How would you want to be treated and how would you want your mother to handle it?  It’s true I want him to suffer and be punished for what he did and I have a right to feel that way.  He should not be around children, not even family.  He belongs in jail for what he has done to me and others.  I’m standing up to child molesters and rapists and no longer keeping secrets.  I believe everyone has a voice, young or old and it’s time we start protecting the right people.  Please do the right thing.

Love, Tracy

 

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