Open Letter Series: Dear Abuser

Dear Abuser (the monster under the stairs),

I hope by now you know that I am no longer keeping your secret and that I plan to speak out about terrible things you did to me and others.  I’m writing to you to free myself of your hold on my fear and unhappiness.

I was only 6 years old the first time you raped me and I had never experienced such pain and despair as you caused me from that day forward.  I want you to know that it was very painful not only physically but emotionally.  You were supposed to be my big brother and you were supposed to protect me from monsters but it turns out you were the monster.

 

I lived in fear in my own home all those years and that fear has continued for my entire life.  You stole my innocence and my childhood from me.  You made me untrusting of others and scared to love.  I never knew what a child was supposed to feel, I should have been care free and oblivious to evil, trauma and torture.  I felt trapped in shame and was terrified that people would find out.  You made me believe that I couldn’t tell because bad things would happen to me.  I felt so disgusting and it kept me from making any real friends.  I couldn’t have my friends stay over, they would find out.  It felt like everyone knew anyway and I became the weird kid that nobody wanted to be around.

I was always afraid to go downstairs for any reason because you were down there.  I had to try to sneak down to play with my toys. I never slept because I was afraid you would get me.  It never failed, you always trapped me down there to torture me on the carpet.  I started acting out in school and got into a lot of trouble.  I couldn’t sit on the carpet with the other kids in class because of what that signified to me.

I still do not sleep, I still have nightmares, I’m still afraid of the dark, I’m still afraid to go downstairs, I still feel disgusting and sometimes visions of the abuse just pop in my head from any number of triggers.  I still have tantrums which I now know to be anxiety attacks, I suffer from PTSD and I’ve had to pay thousands of dollars in therapy to try to heal from the trauma you inflicted on me.  I’ve hurt many people in my life because I didn’t feel worthy of love or friendship.  I wasn’t a good mother because I was emotionally unstable and my kids had to help me instead of the other way around.  I almost lost my husband because I was having attacks but could not tell him why I was upset.  My son screwed up his life and many others because he did not grow up in a stable and normal home.

I missed so much because of what you did to me.  You should have at least given me the courtesy of owning up to your crime when I told at 15.  Instead you called me a liar and said I was crazy.  I was crazy, because of you and it’s your fault and mom’s fault that I nearly killed myself that day.  You ruined most of my life but I have put an end to that. I told my husband what you did, I told my friends, my kids, my in-laws, my husbands friends, our extended family, your kids, and now the world.  I have posted about my abuse on social media and I am blogging about it.  This is helping me to heal and I don’t care what it does to you, your job or your relationships.  I wish you were in jail paying for your crimes.  I hope you don’t think that I will ever protect you from the truth.

Don’t ever try to contact me again and don’t try to push yourself into my life when you feel an opportunity.  If you ever show up to any family functions that I’m attending I will yell it at the top of my lungs to be sure everyone knows what you are.  If I ever hear again that you have hurt someone or have been around children I will make it my personal goal to see you behind bars where you belong.  You are not allowed to keep skating through life as if nothing ever happened while me and my family have suffered at your hands.

You are a monster.