I know that I tell you every day that I love you (like a hundred times a day…). I tell you this so much not only because of course I do love you but I’m reminding myself that I love you. You see I have issues remembering the good stuff, I have so many bad memories that my brain is programmed to be sort of negative. I have always felt that if I’m happy or if I get excited about something then I’ll just be let down when it doesn’t work out or something bad happens. I don’t trust my fate or destiny or whatever. I have always felt cursed and when something good happens I’m just waiting for the curse to destroy it. I hope that makes sense.
I want you to know that I don’t think like normal people. I’m hyper vigilante which means I always think something bad is lurking everywhere I go. I think if I’m not doting on you or pleasing you that you will stop loving me. I can’t speak normally and often just scream in my own head because I’m afraid of being attacked for how I feel or think. I know none of this is normal and I never want you to think that I’m trying to hurt you when I don’t speak. Some days I just have a bad feeling come over me and I can’t tell you why or I’m scared to talk about it or I don’t exactly know why or how to articulate my feelings. I’m working on that.
I want you to know how much I truly appreciate your patience with me as I heal and just how much it means to me that you have stuck by me through some of the worst times in my recovery. You are strong so you probably don’t know what it’s like to feel empty, alone and afraid while surrounded by people. Letting me lean on you has filled my heart, it has given me hope and it has made me stronger. I no longer feel like I’m battling these things alone. That in itself doesn’t make sense because as you know I try to get away when I’m having an anxiety attack.
I know you have struggled with how all this has made you feel but you have always done your best to protect me and stand up for my well-being. You have given more than you know and I don’t feel like I will ever be strong enough to return the favor but I’m giving you all that I am and all that I have because I love you so deeply.
When I was a little girl I always dreamed of being rescued from the pain by a prince and maybe you don’t ride a horse or wear a crown but you are the prince. You have treated my like a princess from the moment that I met you and you are an amazing role model for my children. I appreciate the hard work you put in to keep our lives comfortable and our home safe and beautiful. I also appreciate the hard work you have put in to our relationship. When we went through bad times and I felt like it was over and there was no way you will stick around, you fought for me. You fought to get me through the tough times and you gave me the strength to recognize how important I am to you and my kids.
You make me laugh and I love spending time with you whether it be kayaking, watching a movie, eating dinner or merely going to Sam’s together. We have our things together and I love our everyday as well as the special times. You get me better than anyone I have ever met and I love that I can say anything or do some stupid or funny things and we can just laugh about it. I love that you spy on me while we are shopping so you can pick out my favorite things on holidays. I love that you can come home to a table full of shopping bags and just say, “It’s OK, I get it.” I love that when we go out in a crowd you throw your arms around me to protect me from strangers touching me. I love when you come up behind me and just hug me for no reason. I love that you understand my obsession with certain things and don’t push me to be something else. I love that you will eat whatever I cook even though that is not my strength. I love that you get it when I just need some girl time with my friends. AND most of all I love that you understand my need to hoard toilet paper like the apocalypse is on the horizon.
You are my hero, my rock. You have ALWAYS been there when I needed you most. I could not ask for a better husband or friend. I will continue to fight for the good and will love you till my death.
Forever My Love,