I just realized something.
I’m NEVER going to be OK. Not completely. I can laugh in the morning and by lunch I want to scream and yell. I can be quiet and depressed when I wake up but by dinner I feel like having fun. I don’t have many days of pure joy, most days I just want to sleep or do nothing. I think too much and NO, I can’t just not think about it. My whole life revolves around it. Maybe you think, God why can’t she just move on or get over it already? Maybe you are annoyed by my constant reminders and ranting. Everyday feels like a rollercoaster, I wish I could just be normal.
I will never be completely positive, it’s not in my nature and no matter how hard I try I’m always poisoned by negativity. I’m trying, I really am. I tell myself on a daily basis, just push it from your mind or ignore these thoughts but the more I try the more I fail. In this case the quote, if at first you don’t succeed…blah, blah, blah are just words. Impossible.
The positive people will say, you can’t think like that because your thoughts will manifest into reality. Those people never had a really terrible thing happen to them or they are simply lying to themselves. I do it, I lie to myself and everyone else when I pretend that I’m OK. Many people think I’m just SO FUN and I’m a blast to hang out with because they don’t see the other side. That’s ok because most people don’t want to hang out with the other Tracy. I’m not in the habit of letting many in on that other Tracy because they won’t like her and won’t want to be around her. I do actually have fun, that parts not a lie. I love my friends and I them laugh, that’s how I escape from my realities. It’s still all there on the inside just fighting to surface but I have become an expert at holding it back. I can love and I do love my husband, my family and my friends. They all make me the happiest I’ve ever been but it’s never going to be a normal happy because something is always waiting to bring me down again. Everyone has ups and downs but I’m not talking about your typical mood swings so don’t even try to compare it to that.
This writing is my outlet, this is where I can be the Tracy that nobody wants to be around. I won’t come to your party and be this Tracy. I don’t want sympathy, I just want to be understood. It takes a lot out of me to constantly be on for people, it’s physically and emotionally exhausting. I’m tired. From time to time if I just want to be alone or just be a quiet bystander please just be understanding.
I’m never going to see my dad again. I’m never going to forget what my brother did to me. I’m never going to see my other brothers again. I’m never going to have a mother I can go to for anything again. I’m never going to sleep without medication. I’m never going to laugh without feeling guilty. I’m never going to feel totally secure in any relationship. I’m never going to feel good in a crowd of people. I’m never going to forget the pain son is going through. I’m never going to feel comfortable with my sexuality. I’m never going to wake up from this nightmare.
I can NEVER stop being two people.
I can NEVER be normal.
Never is my reality.