Follow up…

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything, I’ve been extremely overwhelmed with obligations as well as recovery from surgery that took some of my time.  I’ve promised so much to so many people and I can’t keep up with myself. In addition, I’ve been trying to be positive so finding it hard to write about my past right now.  This is always such a difficult time for me even though I like the summer.  It’s the anniversary of my father’s death 31 years ago so I’m especially raw and I’m pushing myself to keep from spiraling again.  I will just post this letter to my mother that I’m thinking about sending.

Dear Mom,

Telling me you love me is not enough, your actions tell a different story. I don’t believe your words because you choose to regard my rapist’s life and feelings above mine.  Most people can’t understand a mother that would ignore such a crime against their own child and for the life of me, I can’t explain it to them.  As a mother myself I just can’t imagine this and believe it’s some sort of mental illness that allows you to rationalize his behavior as well as your own.

I do miss having a mother and I wish we were close. I wish I didn’t get angry every time I think of how you abandoned me when it suited you.  Whether you believe it or not, it is abandonment. When I was young I told you what was wrong with me but you abandoned me then by ignoring my story and punishing me so I put the secret away again.  When I told you again as an adult you abandoned me once more by lying and protecting my rapist.

I can’t pretend that I’m ok with your relationship with him and your unwillingness to face the truth. I can’t turn a blind eye while you continue to put other children in danger by sending them to him.  I can’t turn a blind eye to you ignoring your granddaughter, also victimized by this monster that you continue to protect.  What does he have to do for you to treat him as you have us?  We were just little girls and yes it was too late to stop my torture but you did nothing to prevent him from harming others even after I asked you to.

I don’t believe you want a real relationship with me. It seems to me that you just want to continue some sort of fake family image you like to picture yourself in.  You have always tried to hide our real family from your friends and extended family.  I can’t be a part of your fantasy world any longer, I have to be honest to have real relationships.

It may seem like nothing but I wish you wouldn’t include me in your dishonesty. I was already hurting when I went to my uncle’s funeral but because you can’t tell the truth I had to navigate through all the questions about his absence and to top it off, you included my name next to his on the flowers and in your speech.  It’s not ok and you need to stop, he is not my family.  I should have just told them all the truth right then and there, next time I will.

Finally, I will just say that if you continue your relationship with him then you must stop trying to have a relationship with me. I will not waver on this decision.  I have felt so betrayed that it hurts to even think about a relationship with you.  He ruined my life and I have suffered for 38 years so I will do whatever it takes to finally heal from this.

Tracy

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