10 years ago today I practiced deception of which I’ve regretted ever since. I deceived a man who loved me. 10 years ago today I married the man I love and he thought he was doing the same but he married someone else altogether. He thought he was marrying a fun, carefree and happy woman who promised to love with honesty for rest of her days. He did not get what he bargained for at all, instead he married a damaged little girl holding in a deep dark secret threatening to end her life at any moment. This little girl looked like the woman he loved but under that mask she was slowly dying of shame and fear.
It wasn’t a deliberate deception but a façade that had been worn for many years with only small cracks allowing the black poison to seep through just enough to seem like “normal” wear and tear. She believed true love could heal the deeper cracks beneath the surface that only showed to herself in her black tear streaked reflection. Hope and love had to be enough so she pushed the pain down farther and farther until it was even deeper still and the cracks appeared to fade.
He was a good man, hoping to have finally found the other half to his whole. He didn’t know what was coming so he continued to fall further in love with the façade. Over time he began to see some cracks opening deeper, he thought it must be something he’d done and tried to fix what he thought he had broken. Day after day the cracks grew deeper, wider and blacker until the mask was almost unrecognizable and he blamed himself. He saw this happening and knew for sure that it must be something he had brought on.
She knew he did not cause the cracks, they had always been there. Hidden. It became harder and harder to hide them, he loved her too much. Knowing he would not want this woman with gaping and painful fissures, she tried unsuccessfully to masquerade them but they were strong. After some time he saw them clearly, they were deep, black, ugly and sometimes glowed red with rage and pain. He didn’t know what this was or how he could possibly understand how they came to be. He believed she must be a monster pretending to be the woman he married. He pushed and pushed until the façade shattered and all the evil and disgusting truths came flooding out. He tried to understand but it seemed impossible, he saw the little girl.
The little girl, a small and frail little blonde haired girl with tears pooling in her eyes seemed to be hiding, not able to give him the answers he so desperately needed to help his wife. What can he do, he needed to help her but how? She wanted to reach out to him and beg him to save her but she was scared, too scared and too scarred to let anyone touch her soul even though she needed it so badly. He wanted to protect her and to heal her but how can he protect her from her own thoughts?
He did everything he knew how and still he could see that she was broken, maybe beyond repair. She was so afraid he would find her scars to be too ugly and would throw her away with all the other putrid waste. Was she worth fighting for? Nobody else seemed to think so and she felt it was impossible that he would think any differently. She knew that you can’t fix these cracks no matter how much tape, glue, make up or veils you placed there. Now he knew, so could she ever be what he wanted or needed?
She tried to do everything in her power to put the shattered pieces back together but shards kept falling out and he was growing weary of trying to pick up those pieces when he found them. It’s too much for one man and maybe he can’t help her, maybe he needed to give up. She wanted to be whole for him but she is not strong enough.
She is starting to give up, the pain is too great and she can’t keep holding on to the thin wire of hope. She has lost so many battles that surrender seems inevitable.