After I told my husband and he accepted my truth without tossing out like yesterdays trash I felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders. It was now time to confront my family again…
Of course my husband had many questions and he was very angry, mostly with my mother. He made several very good points:
- Are my niece and nephews ok? (his children)
- Why have I allowed him to be in our lives?
- How can anyone stand to be around him?
- Can anything be done at this point legally?
These were all the things I have asked myself on a regular basis but did not really have the answers. I called my mother, which in hindsight, was probably wrong. I thought talking to her about this would be different as an adult and that I might be able to finally get some answers. When I got her on the phone and started to talk about it she immediately got defensive and just kept saying over and over again, “What do you want me to do?”
“I want you to believe me!”
“I want you to make sure his kids are ok!”
“I want to know why you didn’t believe me and why you take his side!”
“I want to know why you continue to protect him when you never protected me!”
“I want you to do something instead of denying it!”
“I want him out of my life and I never want to see or hear about him again!”
Of course she couldn’t do any of that so nothing changed except when we saw her she acted like nothing ever transpired between us until my husband confronted her. They got into a shouting match where he defended me and she defended my brother. Nothing worked, she could not do the right thing.
I needed my truth to be heard but I was scared, I told some of my closest friends one time on a trip to the lake and more weight was lifted. I felt a little more free with each person I told but it was eating away at my husband and he needed to talk to someone about how he felt besides me. I decided it was ok for him to talk to his family and a few close friends to help ease his pain. It helped him quite a bit and our marriage. I was never treated any differently by any of these people and only wished I knew sooner that I could do this.
A couple of months later I again called my mother about something unrelated. She brought up my brother because she went to visit him. I LOST IT!!! How can she not understand? I started screaming at her because she wouldn’t listen to reason anymore, she just kept saying it again, “What do you want me to do?” FUCK!!! I told her that I know he has hurt my niece because she acts just like me and that’s not normal behavior. I told her that I don’t ever want to hear about him again. She then told me that she did confront him and he did not deny it but did not confess to it either. Shouldn’t that be enough for her? She said she checked on my niece and was told nothing had happened to her. Ok, I guess that’s possible. Then she told me she had been molested as a little girl so she understands. “NO! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!” “If that happened to you then why did you deny me and why do you protect him? No answer.
No more answers, EVER. She again pushed it under the rug.
I decided to tell my oldest son what had happened to me. I didn’t want to but my counselor thought I should. My other 2 sons were gone out-of-town so I called A over to tell him. He didn’t seem to really grasp what I told him or just didn’t know how to react, he left and we’ve never spoken of it again. This truth-telling was failing within my family. I stopped telling people.
Tracy's Truth 
It is a very sad day we live in when family brush stuff like this under the rug. When a child is violated the innocence is gone forever. I admire you for writing this because your journey is going to heal someone. Forgive yourself and know this my dear your mother doesn’t really know how to deal with this she herself needs help ( it’s not an excuse though) she just doesn’t know better. ((( Sending a cyber hug to you)))
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Thank you.
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I’m so sorry. People really do seem to think, a throw away “Oh i get you. It happened to me too” comment is all that’s needed. The pain goes soul deep. You were really brave to speak out. Even if some people will never understand.
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Thank you, you’re so right about the pain. I don’t think it will ever go away sometimes.
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I don’t know if this will help you but we’re printing this in a local magazine for an issue on sexual abuse. (P.S. if I assumed wrong and you’re not a Christian I apologize – I’m not trying to offend anyone.) https://10forjesus.com/2016/12/02/naked/
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I’ve struggled with faith. I’ve tried so many times but I can’t ever get past the question, where was God when I needed him. Where was my miracle, my savior, my answers?
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I appreciate your openness. That I can’t answer for you. I like that you’re doing this blog, though – everyone sort of has to find their own path when it comes to healing, and you’re definitely putting in the time and effort to thoroughly search for the answers and peace that you need, and also helping other survivors find their voice.
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If you ever feel like you’re at a place in life where you want to pursue faith again, definitely ignore all those pat answers people give you – they’re not Biblical anyway and they’re disrespectful to the scope and depth of what you’ve survived. I would recommend the author William Young, though. He was molested repeatedly by the tribe his missionary parents were serving, and was further sexually abused in school after that. He kind of changed the trauma story in his book The Shack to the main character having his daughter get murdered, but a lot of the book is meant to be an analogy of his experience with counseling and God for his own suffering.
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I can tell you one other thing: two, actually…. If you find God, what’s gonna make you know it is that He is the most un-bullshitty being that has ever existed. He has looked me right in the face and said to me, “okay, now talk to me about this thing that happened to you when you were X years old,” and I’ve called Him every swear word in existence for it, but He never, ever asks you to “cover up” or “put on a happy face”. That’s a human trick.
Also, unrelated, when you talked in previous entries about things you’ve been addicted to, it’s worth looking to see if there’s a 12-step program in your area for your needs. The most famous one is Alcoholics Anonymous, but, for example, I go to Overeaters Anonymous, and both of these are free organizations without membership fees that help you find other people to help you take control of your problems.
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And hey, if you ever want to talk, even just to have a warm body to vent to that won’t try to quiet you down — if there’s some kind of chat on WordPress, feel free to use it. Or you can also reach me on FB under this name – my avatar is a pic of Jack from the Nightmare Before Christmas.
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